Single Dad Suspected of Flirting (or Worse) with Single Teacher

Shock waves are still reverberating through the country, as eyewitnesses, community members, and the general public try to make sense of a stunning, horrific turn of events at the House of Blues nightclub on Saturday evening. Though details are not yet fully confirmed, rumors clearly point to a devastating tale of sickness and perversion that, if true, could leave a permanent black mark on the normally conservative Los Angeles community forever.

"I saw it with my own two eyes," said one eyewitness, "that single Dad was right there, possibly glancing at a single teacher from the school. The only way those two could have been more inappropriate is if they spoke, and God knows I've heard rumors that could have been on their minds! I tell you I still haven't slept and it's been over a week. I'm thinking of suing the school for pain & suffering."

Another shocking report came from a member of the Ladies Who Lunch Society who remarked, "I wasn't there but I also heard the glancing comment, and I think it's totally inappropriate to disrobe in public and show one's bottom. I've told everyone in my social circles and encouraged them to spread the appropriate rumors and attitude of holier-than-thou disdain. Hopefully, we'll have the entire Westside covered by noon tomorrow."

As reporters scoured the community to make sense of the incident, several renditions of events have emerged. Gina Talon, a respected mother/millionaire's wife at the school, was heard to declare, "I've heard that he not only stripped naked and flashed the poor girl, but rather than flee, she then proceeded to write her initials on his bum in cocktail sauce, spin him around and jerk him off in plain view of the entire school."

When asked if she had personally had seen the incident, Mrs. Talon stormed off in a huff: "Just because no one actually saw these things happen, doesn't mean they didn't happen. You have to work harder to get people to believe things the less credible they are. Your question disrespects the entire gossip-driven community that I have devoted my life to uphold."

One of the fellow teachers at the school who viewed the incident chimed in as well, "I had heard that she 'liked' this guy, and so when they were in the same room, I instantly knew it was trouble. Can you imagine? A single dad and a single teacher-- potentially dating! I don't know what happened but I can only say this: let's get this news over to the ex-wife and have some fun! Whooooo!"

Going undercover into the Charity Circuit that week, Fran Michaels, a young reporter with the Los Angeles Times, was able to get deep into the society's most sacred coffee clatches and get the real scoop of what people were saying. Here is an excerpt from her upcoming book, "The Teacher's Pet: Sin and Scandal in Tinseltown's Dark Underbelly":

One diamond-studded attendee remarked, "I heard they were bursting with potential lust and then just before the open orgy, he stuck his tongue in her ear and pulled out some kind of listening device, proving what I've been saying from the beginning that she was a foreign operative for the Brentwood School. If that brave man hadn't disabled her, I don't know what would have happened."

When asked to comment on the controversy, the single Dad in question had this to say: "What's that? Is there a problem of some sort? I think she's a dedicated teacher and a good person. So does my girlfriend who knows her well. Was there an issue?"

And so it goes. God has set April 1 for His decision on whether to sentence all Los Angeles residents West of the 405 to an eternal after-life of viewing Desperate Housewives reruns.

Shocking Rationale Discovered

Scientists Discover Rationale for Divorce Law. Practitioners Rejoice.

In a major breakthrough announced today, researchers from the University of Illinois claim to have discovered a rationale for the legal rules governing the dissolution of marriage.

Dr. Stanley Tuk, the Co-chair of the Department of Social Sciences is publishing a report today in the American Journal of Science that is creating a buzz in coffee houses, living rooms, and talk shows around the nation.

The report states that the laws which guide the process of distribution of property, child support, alimony and other matters related to divorce, are possibly based not on dementia as previously assumed, but on sound—even sober--theory.

For decades, the basic tenets of family law were thought to be set forth on a random or humorous basis by a group of legislators known to be alumni of the Harvard lampoon. Today’s announcement casts doubt on that belief and sets the stage for a dramatic change in the way people bitch and moan about divorce.

One of the more vexing problems tackled by Dr. Tuk’s team focused on the division of assets accumulated during the marriage, a rule that results in an equal split regardless of circumstance.

For instance, one particular study reviewed by the team concerned the case of “Smith v. Smith,” where Mr. Smith labored eighteen-hour days to bring his family of four a certain standard of living. Mr. Smith’s efforts were successful in offering Mrs. Smith an improvement over her former circumstances, having previously earned a more modest living as a dancer at Jumbo’s Clown Room in Los Angeles. During the course of their eight-year marriage, Mr. Smith labored to allow his wife to eschew the hardships of the workforce and to spend her days and evenings socializing with friends while occasionally checking in with a cadre of nannies, housekeepers, personal assistants, and personal athletic coaches.

Upon dissolution, a consequence of Mrs. Smith running off with their son's classmate to Tahiti, it was determined that not only was Mrs. Smith entitled to half the assets that Mr. Smith made during the marriage, but that he was now also obligated to continue to maintain her same standard of living.



When asked to respond, Dr. Seymour Freeling, a researcher on Dr. Tuk’s team, commented that eventually, people will come to understand the rationale as punishment for the privilege people like Mr. Smith enjoyed during the marriage of indulging his wife's expensive tastes and material interests. “He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it,” said Dr. Freeling, “If he didn’t want to screw himself post-marriage, he should not have been so generous during the marriage. Let this be a lesson to all such miscreants.”


Said Dr. Keane West, lead analyst and rapper for the Tuk report, “The law is here to protect those who cannot protect themselves. When one person snags a rich spouse, the law needs to step up and recognize that accomplishment. It's ain't easy nowadays with people so on guard. Now, don’t get me wrong--I am not saying that these former spouses are gold diggers by any means, but let’s be honest, they also aren't spending time with no broke Nih-uhs.”

Dr. Tuk, joined at the podium by Drs. West, Freeling and a throng of admiring students read this statement: “After years of arduous research, what appeared to be irrational and counter-intuitive has been explained. Like Galileo and Darwin before us, we are beyond thrilled to add to the canon of science and shed light on one of the great mysteries of the Universe. So quit your whining, beeyatch.”




    

Westside Family Chooses Public School for Child
A Westside family that by all accounts could afford private school has chosen their local public school without even applying to private institutions. "We'd like our kids to grow up in an environment of diverse cutural influences and not just rich white people," said Harvey Kliner of Brentwood, CA, "It's not that we have anything against private schools, it just wasn't right for us." The reaction from the community was immediate, with several local women organizing a late night egging of Mr. Kliner's vehicle and front stoop. "I waited in line at the post office for six hours to be the first to get our child's application into the mail," said one outraged community member who asked not to be named as she was sporting last year's handbag and feared retribution if identified. Another passerby confronted with the news, Ms. TJ Carney said, "From the moment I was pregnant, I've been sucking up to people that might exert influence on our application for pre-k admission and these people just come right along and denigrate the whole process. I think they should go back to where they came from." When told that in fact the Kilner's came from the Valley, Ms. Carney responded "Exactly."

Westside Women Overheard Speaking Nicely of Third Party

Brentwood, CA
Unconfirmed reports indicate that that two lunching ladies on the Westide of LA casually mentioned a third woman from their social circles in a non-disparaging manner. The comment, reportedly something like: "I ran into Janice yesterday coming out of Pilates and she looked good", comes at a time when the entire Westside community of idle women had generally agreed to maintain consistency in daily interchanges of gossip and negative aspersions.

Danielle LaRose, a well known Westide Mom/Shopper/Charity Benefit Attendee, commented: "It is important to not deviate from the principles upon which this enclave was founded. If one person starts to play holier-than-thou everyone will walk on eggshells. We need to feel free to be ourselves, and that means free to say hurtful things about anyone who isn't present at the time. My friends are loyal and wouldn't stoop to such behaviour. For instance, I happen to know for a fact that Elise Manchester, who is meeting me for lunch today, and who God-knows needed that liposuction treatment she denies having, and who I hear is sleeping with her pool man, would never think of violating these rules."

Local Psychotherapist Myron Kanter offered his analysis. "Without the daily outlet of venom that these women rely upon to feel better about themselves, there could be a dangerous uptake in botox usage and/or affairs with the household help," he said, "The Westside norms developed for a reason, and the delicate ecosystem needs to be preserved or a domino effect of damage could result."

Man Claims Sexual Activity With Wife
Brentwood, CA
Brad Greenstone, a Brentwood resident and father of 2, set off a national hailstorm last month when he asserted that he continues to have regular sexual relations with his wife literally years after marriage.

"I always knew there was something odd going on in that house," reported Karen Nolan, a neighbor, "Is it legal?"

Local Council member, Gene Shuman expressed similar outrage in yesterday's City Council meeting, "What's next? Couples living together without therapy? Where does this maddness stop?"

The topic has attracted widespread interest throughout the country. The "Westside Way"--a term now generally used to describe the normative state of suburban celebacy-- is rapidly entering the national debate. On Tuesday's 'Oprah', Janice Felton-- author of the New York Times bestselling book, "Westside Woman: how to draw out the intimate details of your friends lives and repeat them out of context"--opened the show this week with a little known statistic: sex after marriage is not only legal in most states, but common in many non-suburban neighborhoods. Some predict the trend could spread, potentially someday eclipsing such popular mainstay activities as yoga.

Others see the debate as an opportunity to raise awareness. One such group, the SPCH (The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Husbands) is preparing a national TV campaign entitled "Marriage: It's Not Just for Creating Disinterested, Bored Strangers Anymore." The ads are expected to debut at this year's Superbowl.

WESTSIDE MOM DELAYS SPA VACATION FOR KIDS ACTIVITY
Santa Monica, CA
Reports are surfacing that a mother known to reside on the west side of Los Angeles has delayed, and some say even cancelled, a trip to a luxury spa because the dates overlapped with the first days of school for her toddler child. Westside mothers throughout the region are aghast at the rumours, claming that--if true--this alleged breach of Westside cultural norms could lead to a flood of expectation setting for other stay-at-home moms throughout the area. "It starts with putting kids needs ahead of personal time, sure--that's all fine and good," said Ellen Kantroy, a noted Westside mom/coffee drinker/pilates afficionado, "but pretty soon it could degenerate into putting our own kids to sleep, spending within our means, or even--God Forbid-- limiting handbag purchases. Frankly, we don't like it and we're not going to stand for it."

Already there appears to be a groundswell of support for the protesters who have decided to go on strike until the alleged mother is apprehended and forced to apologize. Given that none of the moms actually do anything during the day, as their kids are mostly in school or at activities or with nannies, the strike is expected to focus on replacing the primary daily activities of "girls coffees" and supervised exercise sessions with "girls teas" and supervised exercise sessions.