Shocking Rationale Discovered
Scientists Discover Rationale for Divorce Law. Practitioners Rejoice.
In a major breakthrough announced today, researchers from the University of Illinois claim to have discovered a rationale for the legal rules governing the dissolution of marriage.
Dr. Stanley Tuk, the Co-chair of the Department of Social Sciences is publishing a report today in the American Journal of Science that is creating a buzz in coffee houses, living rooms, and talk shows around the nation.
The report states that the laws which guide the process of distribution of property, child support, alimony and other matters related to divorce, are possibly based not on dementia as previously assumed, but on sound—even sober--theory.
For decades, the basic tenets of family law were thought to be set forth on a random or humorous basis by a group of legislators known to be alumni of the Harvard lampoon. Today’s announcement casts doubt on that belief and sets the stage for a dramatic change in the way people bitch and moan about divorce.
One of the more vexing problems tackled by Dr. Tuk’s team focused on the division of assets accumulated during the marriage, a rule that results in an equal split regardless of circumstance.
For instance, one particular study reviewed by the team concerned the case of “Smith v. Smith,” where Mr. Smith labored eighteen-hour days to bring his family of four a certain standard of living. Mr. Smith’s efforts were successful in offering Mrs. Smith an improvement over her former circumstances, having previously earned a more modest living as a dancer at Jumbo’s Clown Room in Los Angeles. During the course of their eight-year marriage, Mr. Smith labored to allow his wife to eschew the hardships of the workforce and to spend her days and evenings socializing with friends while occasionally checking in with a cadre of nannies, housekeepers, personal assistants, and personal athletic coaches.
Upon dissolution, a consequence of Mrs. Smith running off with their son's classmate to Tahiti, it was determined that not only was Mrs. Smith entitled to half the assets that Mr. Smith made during the marriage, but that he was now also obligated to continue to maintain her same standard of living.
When asked to respond, Dr. Seymour Freeling, a researcher on Dr. Tuk’s team, commented that eventually, people will come to understand the rationale as punishment for the privilege people like Mr. Smith enjoyed during the marriage of indulging his wife's expensive tastes and material interests. “He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it,” said Dr. Freeling, “If he didn’t want to screw himself post-marriage, he should not have been so generous during the marriage. Let this be a lesson to all such miscreants.”
Said Dr. Keane West, lead analyst and rapper for the Tuk report, “The law is here to protect those who cannot protect themselves. When one person snags a rich spouse, the law needs to step up and recognize that accomplishment. It's ain't easy nowadays with people so on guard. Now, don’t get me wrong--I am not saying that these former spouses are gold diggers by any means, but let’s be honest, they also aren't spending time with no broke Nih-uhs.”
Dr. Tuk, joined at the podium by Drs. West, Freeling and a throng of admiring students read this statement: “After years of arduous research, what appeared to be irrational and counter-intuitive has been explained. Like Galileo and Darwin before us, we are beyond thrilled to add to the canon of science and shed light on one of the great mysteries of the Universe. So quit your whining, beeyatch.”
In a major breakthrough announced today, researchers from the University of Illinois claim to have discovered a rationale for the legal rules governing the dissolution of marriage.
Dr. Stanley Tuk, the Co-chair of the Department of Social Sciences is publishing a report today in the American Journal of Science that is creating a buzz in coffee houses, living rooms, and talk shows around the nation.
The report states that the laws which guide the process of distribution of property, child support, alimony and other matters related to divorce, are possibly based not on dementia as previously assumed, but on sound—even sober--theory.
For decades, the basic tenets of family law were thought to be set forth on a random or humorous basis by a group of legislators known to be alumni of the Harvard lampoon. Today’s announcement casts doubt on that belief and sets the stage for a dramatic change in the way people bitch and moan about divorce.
One of the more vexing problems tackled by Dr. Tuk’s team focused on the division of assets accumulated during the marriage, a rule that results in an equal split regardless of circumstance.
For instance, one particular study reviewed by the team concerned the case of “Smith v. Smith,” where Mr. Smith labored eighteen-hour days to bring his family of four a certain standard of living. Mr. Smith’s efforts were successful in offering Mrs. Smith an improvement over her former circumstances, having previously earned a more modest living as a dancer at Jumbo’s Clown Room in Los Angeles. During the course of their eight-year marriage, Mr. Smith labored to allow his wife to eschew the hardships of the workforce and to spend her days and evenings socializing with friends while occasionally checking in with a cadre of nannies, housekeepers, personal assistants, and personal athletic coaches.
Upon dissolution, a consequence of Mrs. Smith running off with their son's classmate to Tahiti, it was determined that not only was Mrs. Smith entitled to half the assets that Mr. Smith made during the marriage, but that he was now also obligated to continue to maintain her same standard of living.
When asked to respond, Dr. Seymour Freeling, a researcher on Dr. Tuk’s team, commented that eventually, people will come to understand the rationale as punishment for the privilege people like Mr. Smith enjoyed during the marriage of indulging his wife's expensive tastes and material interests. “He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it,” said Dr. Freeling, “If he didn’t want to screw himself post-marriage, he should not have been so generous during the marriage. Let this be a lesson to all such miscreants.”
Said Dr. Keane West, lead analyst and rapper for the Tuk report, “The law is here to protect those who cannot protect themselves. When one person snags a rich spouse, the law needs to step up and recognize that accomplishment. It's ain't easy nowadays with people so on guard. Now, don’t get me wrong--I am not saying that these former spouses are gold diggers by any means, but let’s be honest, they also aren't spending time with no broke Nih-uhs.”
Dr. Tuk, joined at the podium by Drs. West, Freeling and a throng of admiring students read this statement: “After years of arduous research, what appeared to be irrational and counter-intuitive has been explained. Like Galileo and Darwin before us, we are beyond thrilled to add to the canon of science and shed light on one of the great mysteries of the Universe. So quit your whining, beeyatch.”
posted by evile at 10:50 PM
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